My Brain Has Melted

i am having a really lazy day and i am not proud of this. but, on the other hand, since i had a really productive saturday i am not feeling too much regret either. and really, what other choice does one have when "the hills" marathon is on MTV? no, seriously, there were at least 137 things i could have done today that had more value than following the antics of heidi and LC but in the end i was sucked in.

right now i am watching "Canada's Next Great Prime Minister" and loving it. not because i think any of these young people will actually take on the role but i am again reminded of how great this country is, despite the very real flaws that we hear about so often on the news.

over the past 48 hours i have watched two documentaries, "Jesus Camp" and "Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Terrorism". both left me feeling nauseous, for a number of different reasons, but mostly because i felt like something has going terribly wrong in america and i doubt things are going to turn around any time soon. to make a long story short, evangelical christians and the fox news network are working together to ruin america and the world. apparently the way it works is that stupid people watch fox news and believe the lies, then they pull their children out of the public school system and indoctrinate them to be the christian soldiers of the future. well, maybe it isn't exactly like that ...

which brings me back to the CBC. i should be clear that this isn't the part of the post where i go into some political diatribe about the CRTC, or the decline of the CBC, or even the value of a national broadcaster. no, this is where i feel an unusual sense of pride watching former prime ministers joke about penises and then follow-up with poignant questions about national security. and, even more, i appreciate that a person can go on national television and boldly question the past and present policies of our leaders without it being deemed "uncanadian" or being told to shut up (i shake my fist at you bill o'reilly!). having said that, the guy that quoted Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a comparison of the israeli occupation of palestine to the canadian treatment of natives was not met with the most favourable response. obviously.

it is painfully clear that i have watched too much television today. literally. i am actually feeling pain in my face. i'm going to go take the CBC "Test the Nation" quiz and see how much my IQ has dropped.

Things I Smelled On My Way Home From Work

homeless man
my uncle steven
pipe
scotland
matzah brie
tar
whimsy

Reading Week 2007

it is a weird feeling to be more stressed at the end of a holiday than the beginning. and this isn't the usual "bracing for the return to work" stress, this is literally the fallout from my past week.

i love my family and i love our trips and this was no exception. we did all the wintery things that an imaginary sitcom family would do during a week in quebec: shopping in montreal, cross-country skiing, ice skating, glissade, downhill skiing, eating fondue in front of the fire ... seriously, we are ridiculous. so why do i feel like i would have been better off emotionally had i stayed in ontario?

things started off well. i went to kingston for a night to get myself organized and pack up my winter stuff, most of which still lives in my parents house. my mom and i hit the gym on saturday morning and we drove to montreal in the afternoon. i was made fun of repeatedly for wearing a skirt over leggings. it was awesome.

we just shopped and hung out in montreal on sunday and drove to st. sauveur in the late afternoon. the chalet was great and i nearly beat my dad at scrabble.

things took a minor turn for the worse monday afternoon. after repeatedly stating that i wanted to have a relatively easy cross-country ski day we ended up doing a 10 km trail that varied between blue and black. as did my bottom by the end of it. i mean, when the options are hitting a tree or taking the dive you take the dive, if only because your new x-country skis are so pretty. to be honest it wasn't so bad until the last hill which was literally the bottom of an old downhill trail. i thought i gave myself another concussion and then cried for about an hour and a half.

tuesday was a pretty relaxed day. i went to the spa for a massage and then we just slept and hung out for most of the afternoon. by this point in the week my family had already compiled a pretty long list of "things sarah doesn't like". if i ever feel like being publicly ridiculed i will post it. apparently my dislike of underbites is unreasonable.

wednesday was awesome, for the most part. we went to l'esterel to skate on the 8km track they made on the lake. the weather was perfect and we had a couple of hours in the afternoon to glissade (tubing down a hill: the lazy man's toboggan). my sister's boyfriend came up that night and stayed for the rest of the trip.

do you remember that sesame street song about belonging? you know "three of these things belong together, three of these things are kind of the same". yeah, i was the one that did not "belong there". usually when i am the 7th wheel it is because i am hanging out with my married friends and it isn't such a big deal. being trapped in a cabin with three couples is total balls. i had to consciously tell myself that "it is ok to be single". how lame is that???

we went downhill skiing on thursday and left on friday. i stayed in kingston that night to do my laundry and teach my mom how to use her new iPod. it was ok being back in toronto on saturday and apart from nearly getting in the middle of a crack-addict fight in kensington market i had a fun night out. but things took another turn this morning.

we had a party for my grandfather's 85th birthday today. i should clarify that i use the term "party" loosely because it wasn't fun. my family is full of characters and this is both a blessing and a curse. the conversations were as varied as the technicalities of certain jewish laws to how my grandfather accidentally took my dad to the strippers when he was young. my grandmother sat me down to tell me that my aunt was angry with me about a comment i made a couple of years ago and, in the same breath, sighed and said that she really wanted to be alive for my wedding. i had no response.

now i am just lying in bed recovering. dreaming of becoming a recluse.

Reasons Why This Is A Good Morning Already

1. i woke up to a thick blanket of snow. the kogons are hitting quebec next week for a winter vacation and now i am starting to get excited!

2. i put my iPod on shuffle and both Justin Timberlake and Kelly Clarkson were played on the subway ride.

3. i saw two people standing at the blustery corner of yonge and bloor selling bouquets of dead flowers. i think that shows a real commitment to antivalentinesdayism.

4. i saw someone in inappropriate footwear fall into the gutter at the corner of bay and bloor.

awesome.

Getting Involved

i have been staring at this blank screen for about 30 minutes. half an hour spent beginning sentences and then erasing them, mulling over different themes and subsequently discarding them. this time permeated only by imdb searches requested by my roommate, but nothing of substance has come from this. well, i know that sulu from star trek is american and the guy from heroes was born in lancashire. useless.

but i'm certain that a theme will develop from this rambling. and if it doesn't then i can still be satisfied knowing that i have given my mom the post she was requesting earlier this evening.

it could be argued that i should never force a post. to do something that doesn't come easily, that is difficult, fundamentally goes against my new years resolution. i am only supposed to do what i feel like right? but therein lies the paradox, i am also supposed to be getting more involved. sometimes those are contradictory motives.

i guess i could just write about what it means to get involved, as this has been a point of contention this past week. a friend of mine maintains that just joining in on other people's plans isn't really getting involved, as it required no thought of my own. i disagree. and to back up my claim i will return to the time when that phrase was introduced into my life.

when i lived in wales i had a friend named patrick. an american, a scammer, and the blackest white-boy from connecticut that i will ever meet. this guy managed to score a warden's flat on the waterfront, with his own kitchen and living area, while the rest of us were holed up in tiny dorm rooms (for the same price). he managed to scam his way into britain on an expired visa more than once. he was a legend. it was in his flat that i first "got involved".

patrick was generous with his living quarters and would frequently host parties for the interpol kids. he would throw people birthday parties, fancy dress parties, and lots of beer pong parties. i was usually called in as part of the clean-up crew, but it was worth it because the events were fantastic. but patrick would never invite people over. he would just decide he was doing something and then tell people to get involved. it was bossy but i loved it.

i began to incorporate the term into my own vernacular and i appreciated its simplicity: something is going on and i can be part of it. my attendence is not required, the event will occur whether i am there or not, but the option of participating is on the table. honestly though, my favourite part is that i am not the one that comes up with the plan.

i recognize that for most people "showing up" is not an accomplishment. but i am not most people. i like skipping out on things and i am more inclined to do something on my own rather than ask people to join me. and it isn't that uncommon for me to bail on things if i sense that i may end up feeling awkward. this is what the resolution is about.

i have made some real progress on this front. just this week i have signed on to a concert that i know little about (but don't worry m, i am listening and learning - i will be prepared), and got someone else involved as well! i accepted an invitation to a friday night dinner at the home of my sister's friend's parents, whom i had never met. only minor awkwardness ensued (apparently my ability to read hebrew is sub-par) but not enough to discourage me from continuing on this path. in fact, i will be having another dinner with jews this weekend. huge.

i feel pretty good about my level of involvedness and i think that i have done a decent job of keeping this resolution. i don't think i will ever be a social facilitator, just the thought of it makes me cringe, but if i consistently go out and take part in things that are going on i think i am doing ok. if i am there i am involved.

RePost

a couple of weeks ago i met up with shannon for a beer and a bowl of soup. i was wearing my lumberjacket, with ice skates thrown over my shoulder, and she was still in professional work clothes. we made a handsome couple. over the course of the evening we entertained each other with stories of things that men have done that made us sigh. things that aren't necessarily mean or malicious, just dumb enough for us to think "why did you even bother?". there was a lot of eye rolling.

i came home and wrote "an open letter to men," which i posted immediately. it wasn't bold or groundbreaking. the incidents didn't all happen to me. regardless, in the short amount of time it was up i received some seriously negative feedback.

after some reflection and time spent re-reading the letter i took the post down. i was unsure if it actually had my intended tone and i was confused about the anger it had incurred. i've since decided that the negative comments were unfairly directed at me, and that i don't give a what anyway. so below you will find my "open letter to men", edited because i wanted to.


dear men,

how are you? its been a while since we had a good conversation and i thought maybe we should catch up. i think that an open dialogue would serve us both well, because lately i've been feeling like we have been getting our wires crossed. no, you haven't done anything to offend me personally, don't worry. in fact, i'm feeling relatively unscathed but there are rumours circulating about your behaviour and i am worried. just looking out for you is all.

i heard you finally said "i love you" to someone! congratulations. i guess it would have been more meaningful if you meant it, but then again maybe not? i don't know. i'm just thinking that, for future reference, maybe you should limit your bold declarations to the appropriate recipient. it turns out that it can be hurtful to be on the receiving end of an "i love you" only to find out (via MySpace) that the man who "loves you" already has a girlfriend. funny that.

and men, remember the time that you told me that you were planning on cheating on your girlfriend? sure, we aren't together anymore so it has no direct bearing on my life, and i do think your new lady is a bit of a douchebag, but still, you are getting a bad rep and things like this don't help.

you might not have realized this, but the 3am text invitation for a drink was also a bit problematic. i'm not saying it wasn't nice to be thought of at that time of morning but my honest(and foolish) first reaction was of genuine concern for you. i leapt to the conclusion that you had just endured a terrible breakup. we don't often hang out, and we never drink together, so i assumed that a text to go for a drink, at a time when you can't legally go for a drink, might involve more than drinking. it turned out that you really did just want a "drinking buddy." thats cool. and i'm sure your girlfriend would have been cool with it too.

finally, i thought that maybe we could take a moment to address how public and accessible your life is. so think before you send naked pictures of yourself over the internet to a girl that isn't your girlfriend.

men, i am not grumpy with you, and i do appreciate how you have always treated me quite well, but sometimes your actions make me sigh. i thought that maybe if i put my feelings out there we could sort out why you act like this.

i hope this letter finds you in good spirits,

sarah kogon

You're Really Little

we finally have snow! not a lot, and i bet it will melt, but i was pretty stoked when i left the house this morning and the temperature was below zero. maybe i will actually be able to use my new cross-country skis this season.

i went shopping for a bridesmaid dress yesterday morning. the dress we are getting is really nice and it is unfortunate that i will only wear it once. what i'm thinking is that we (and by "we" i mean all women who have purchased a single-use dress) need an event to re-wear these garments. some sort of fancy-dress party to show off our party clothes. i think that if i planned events that would be a good theme.

i crashed out for most of the afternoon then headed to allie's for another girls night! wine, dinner, charades, then out dancing. somehow we ended up at the brant house, which was fine until i properly looked around and realized that i absolutely loathe that place. i wasn't even intimidated by the posers, i was just annoyed (although, arguably, intimidated might have been the more appropriate sentiment).

we had a discussion earlier in the evening about the ambiguous comments that people make to us, and how best to deal with them. i have had a number of strangers comment on my size recently and at first i didn't really know what to say, but i have decided that i am now going to interpret any questionable statement as a compliment. here are some sample conversations:

person 1: wow, you are really little
me: thanks

person 2: ride safe and godspeed
me: and to you
person 2: that was very medieval
me: thanks

it works in any situation and you never have to think about what the appropriate response really is.

i felt surprisingly good when i woke up so shannon and i hit cheese magic after brunch. man i love that place, and i barely like cheese. we were made uncomfortable by a crack dealer on our way to kensington but thankfully the one-armed chinese man smoothed the situation over. i hate when my naive little bubble gets broken by crackheads and public drug deals but i will still frequent kensington, if only for the glorious cheese shop.

and happy birthday mom! xoxox